The truth of the matter was that I have been holding on to previous hurts that have been fueling my fear! That question hit me like a pinball in a pinball machine and I began to spiral with more and more questions. How do I release this hurt, even though I’ve spent years trying to do so? I have read every book on fear, and I still cleave to it in some areas! What do I do? I did what I knew to do and asked Spirit to guide me on this journey; I trusted Spirit would and left it alone. This time it didn’t take as long as I thought it would.
The car ride on the way to school is one of the best classrooms for my family (ironically, I am usually the student). The next morning after having this talk and prayer time, my oldest daughter had a late start time and I had flexibility in my schedule, so I surprised her with a coffee date. She was thrilled at my spontaneity. As we waited, she began talking about how great her dad is and I had twinge of disgust and jealousy run through my body. “Even 4 years after the divorce – sheesh can’t I just let this go?!” I thought to myself. Before I interrupted and tried to change the subject, I heard Spirit said “Stay with this – listen and release your jealousy, something is about to happen.”
I allowed my daughter to go on and on about her dad. I found this odd, because this is the daughter who is just like her dad, and they often have conflict because they are so alike. She went on to express remorse about her behavior the night before (hey she is a tween!), and brought up the subject about how they (she and her dad) rarely apologize, and when they do it seems like a chess game tactic. This was one of my struggles in the marriage that I had not yet released, all I had ever really wanted from him was a sincere apology for the pain I had endured [this was my choice, and I have since taken responsibility]. Then, as she got out of the car to head into school she said, “Mom, dad has told me many times he regrets everything he ever did to you. He just never knew how to change it.”
Wow! Spirit is moving! As I drove off tears began to stream down my face and I began to feel healing take place. Healing that I thought I had control over, but Spirit had ordained this process- I just had to be open. In an indirect way, I had received the apology I had always sought. Pain and fear is dissolving - the journey is unfolding just as it should!